Tired of Being Single? 3 Simple Steps to Get You Unstuck.
By the time I was 47 and never married or even in a long-term relationship I was the epitome of fed up with being single. Now, even though I’ve been happily married since 2006, I still get stuck trying to get other big goals met.
I’ll spare you the important points, but there is still one pretty big thing I want – no I NEED – for me to feel like I’m able to be really happy for the rest of my life. Accomplishing this is within my control. I know the basic how-to steps to do it, and intellectually I know I can do it. It seems like everyone else can do it, and I’m the only one who can’t figure this out.
So why the heck aren’t I just doing it??
The answer, I suppose, is basically because I get stuck. I get scared. I beat myself up. I start, feel positive and hopeful, until I don’t. I convince myself that it’s not that important.
And then every few months it smacks me upside the head and I start feeling the disappointment and shame of not being able to do this for myself. And I realize that until I get this done, I will never have my happy meter cranked up to the top.
The truth is, I’m still working on getting everything I want in life…just like you are.
To get this need, want, desire DONE AND DONE, I’ve decided I’m going back once again to what worked to get me unstuck from being single.
If you are sick and tired of being single, or anything else, for that matter, here are my top tips to help get (us) unstuck and moving toward our ever-so-important goals…those goals that are absolutely key to our pleasure for the rest of our life.
1. Restart Your Clock
Let’s say you were dealing with an expert who is teaching you to play the piano. For years you’ve been dabbling ( as a kid you did chopsticks!) but never tried any formal or fully informed way to learn.
So you’re sitting with your teacher on your third lesson, and you say to her: I’ve been doing this for 30 years! I can’t believe I don’t know how to play a sonata!
You’d be kinda crazy, right? You haven’t been playing for 30 years. You’re on your third lesson!
Well, how long have you been dating like a grownup?
No one ever taught you how to know a good guy when the truth is him, how to attract men wherever you go and be an excellent picker or how to make sure you will get the second date…all the things that lead you directly to the man who will share your daily life.
Even though you’re dating over 40, you’ve only been working at this a short period of time. When you feel impatient, remind yourself that you have not been dating this way for long at all.
Allow yourself to restart your ‘I cant believe I’m still single clock. This feeling, like it’s been so long and you can’t seem to get it right, creates that hopelessness and embarrassment that causes you to get stuck in fear and then give up.
No wonder you might be tired of being single. This kind of thinking is exhausting.
2. Be Kind to Yourself
Like other times in your lifetime when you’re working toward an improved future and achieving positive change, you have to allow yourself room to learn and improve.
Show yourself the kindness you deserve by giving yourself second chances and allowing for (recognized) mistakes.
You know…like you do for other people?
Every new man you speak with, every date, every email…it all takes some faith and courage. Just keep this in mind, and remember that there is a learning experience in every single effort you make.
Plus the size of the prize is HUGE!
If you would like be sure to remain kind to yourself…
Be your own best friend.
Harsh self judgments are most often your insecure 18 year old talking to you. Tell her to just stop!
Have those needed conversations with yourself regarding how much you have overcome and achieved in your lifetime, how much you know and may do, and what a deserving and remarkable woman you might be.
Remind yourself that, as an accomplished and independent woman, you are not defined by one act or what one man thinks of you. And celebrate every step forward, no matter how small. (Just reading this is a step forward, sister!)
Build a support squad.
Have friends to call on when you need a little support. They want to be there for you. And don’t look to those friends who respond with the requisite ‘yah, he’s a jerk every time you have a bad experience.
Your real friends – the ones that are wise and really want you to find that wonderful man – will also point out when you are in need of a positive shift or a good jolt that knocks you out of your pity party.
If you don’t have these types of friends, seek the support of family, a therapist, or a coach. (Uh hem…)
Not showing yourself the understanding and kindness you deserve sabotages your efforts, or even worse, paralyzes you.
3. Stay in action
Here is a great quote:
A step in the wrong direction is better than staying on the spot your entire life. Once you move forward it is possible to correct your course as you go topadultreview.com. Your automatic guidance system cannot guide you when you’re standing still.— Maxwell Maltz
It’s like playing tennis: the best way to win is always to keep shuffling your feet. Why? Because it’s better to get to the ball if you’re already in motion!
I suggest you stay in motion. Do things and learn things that put you in a position to meet your man. Find someone you trust who has shown herself to be a reliable source! Learn how she did it.
Learn more about understanding grownup men, learn techniques that help you stay positive and hopeful, get online, tell friends you might be open to meeting someone…do something every day that keeps you positive and hopeful and improves your chances of attracting your Man.
If you are tired of being single and sick of just wishing, blaming or avoiding…I think you know by now that he’s not showing up without some effort on your part.
Keep those feet shuffling!
I want to know if you’ve tried my tips and…what are YOUR ideas?
The following is an email I recently received:
‘I just got up my courage and took a look at the dating site Our Time, and the following is one of my big concerns: I’m 68 but most people think I’m in my early 50s. I’m afraid if I put my true age, I’ll narrow my range to ‘old men. I’ve typically attracted men who are 5-10 years younger who are fine with my age. What should I do?
No, you shouldn’t lie about your age in your profile. Tell the truth about your age because it is the right thing to do.
But I understand if you truly want to attract younger people you may be tempted to fudge your age. Here is what you could do. Put your ‘fudge age in your profile, but in the content put your true age.
Something like: ‘ My true age is X . I put a younger age on my profile so I could attract people like you. Or ‘ I’m really X but I put I was Y because I wanted a fantastic man like you to locate me.
They’ve been either going to think, ‘Liar Liar and move on, or they will snicker and keep reading. Put the part about your true age about 2/3 of the way down. This way you might be being honest but in the search criteria more individuals who are younger will find you. I hope this helps.
( Here are my thoughts on dating older men, btw. You might find it enlightening!)
Should you lie about your age in your profile? I want to go on record that I strongly suggest you may not lie. Just make sure you tell the truth somewhere in your profile otherwise you have that hanging over you.
I have lots of great advice on my blog about how to write a winning profile, and lying about your age is not on there!
Online dating is a great way to meet people. It’s how I met my husband. Neither one of us lied about our age in our profiles, btw!
I hope you might be online having an enjoyable experience being honest and having fun.
So…what do you think?
This time of year is spectacular. Or not. Yes, we get to eat more, work less, shop till we drop, and frolic with friends and family. Also, it’s a time of reflection; and as we count our blessings, we may think about what’s missing in our otherwise fulfilled lives. Especially if we are single.
When I was single, the holidays put me in a bit of a funk. With no one to take to parties or make out with at midnight, being single during the holidays put an exclamation point on what I still wanted in my life: a loving man.
Now I’m married and grateful to truly have a magnificent man in my life. But as I speak to my single girlfriends and coach my single clients over 40, I feel for them; and I can still feel my sadness and disappointment as if it was yesterday.
It may be just moments: a flash of ‘Will I ever have a man to share with you the holidays with? It can be a constant, low-level feeling of emptiness, or sadness when thinking about happier holidays past. Either way, it’s painful.
Here are tips I wish I had received when I was single and facing the holidays. This is about YOU making the best of the time for yourself and for other.
1. Make Plans.
My best advice to single women over 40 any time of year is always to create their best life possible. If you’re not yet doing that for yourself, start now. Don’t wait for invitations or others to entertain you. Relate genuinely to old friends, throw a dinner party, sign up to volunteer, plan a girls’ weekend, read a great book or get tickets to a holiday show.
Make a list of five places it is possible to go to possibly meet other singles over 40 who share your passions or interests. www.Meetup.com is a great place to start.
Don’t stay in the background; get out there! This is actually a great time of year to be out and about selecting connections — both with women and men. Oh! And you’ll enjoy time!
2. Express Your Wishes.
If this is the time of year you might be grilled about your love life – and it drives you nuts – clearly tell your family how you feel and ask that they kindly skip the interrogation in 2010.
Come up with a canned answer to use when your cousin asks you for the umpteenth time if you are dating. Something like ‘ I don’t kiss and tell, or ‘You’ll function as first to know, should shut down any follow up questions.
As a single woman, gift giving may have inequalities or unrealistic expectations. Talk to your loved ones about picking a name, sharing gift giving, or going on an outing instead of buying ‘stuff.
3. Take Care of Yourself: Body and Soul.
You should always do this, but this is the time you have an ‘excuse to go for it and pamper yourself! Have a massage, sleep until noon, splurge on an overpriced pair of shoes, see two movies in a row and order popcorn at each.
Create a nice environment for yourself. Decorate your front door or mantle, or bake to fill your home with yummy smells.
If you think it will help you, chat with a therapist or coach. Let that person work with you to realize your feelings and make plans. This is usually a luxury you may not always allow yourself.
4. Do Unto Others.
Volunteer your time, offer to simply help a elderly family member or friend do their holiday shopping, or send loving and big cards to the people you care about. Giving of yourself and feeling appreciated will provide a great boost to your holiday spirits.
5. Don’t Force Things.
Don’t have a first date at your company holiday party or invite a man you’ve just started dating to your family gathering. It may ease your tension about what you need for the holiday season, but it may also ruin your chances going forward with someone you want. You shouldn’t fabricate or rush things at other times of year, and there’s no exception here.
Wherever you are in your relationship: maintain it. Don’t push it.
6. A Date May Just Be a Date.
If you have a date, don’t overthink it. Avoid misunderstandings by keeping it in perspective. When a man shares time with you during the holidays, that’s generally what he’s doing: sharing time with you. The meaning women tend to put into this is often not shared by men. If he agrees to go with you to your parties or even takes you to his, it means he likes spending time with you. Enjoy it and stay glad he likes your company, but don’t give it more importance that it warrants.
7. Remember that You’re Not Alone.
The idea that the holidays have the highest rate of depression and suicide seems to be untrue. But people do have issues: family, money, spouses, and dates can all be extra challenging this time of year.
Don’t hesitate to share feelings – good and bad – with friends. You’ll probably be doing a friend a favor if you opened up. She may want to talk about her feelings as well.
8. Practice Gratitude.
Write a list of all the things for which you are grateful in your lifetime. Include people, things, experiences, dreams and possibilities. Read your list every day and add to it as you learn new things.
9. Nurture Your Relationships.
Openly share your gratitude and appreciation of the important people in your daily life. If you’re not accustomed to doing this or are uncomfortable doing it, write a letter and give it them as their holiday present.
10. Put Yourself Out There.
Get online, join a singles wine club or volunteer organization, go to a singles event, etc. If you’ve been waiting…just do it! When you are single during the holidays this is the best gift it is possible to give yourself. It doesn’t mean you’ll meet Mr. Everyone loves You tomorrow, but you’ll feel love and pride in yourself just by making the move.